Today’s AWAP Wednesday video is all about the power of maybe. It’s difficult to figure out how to craft a social life when you have chronic illness; “maybe” can sometimes release a little of the pressure.
Watch now for some tips on how to use “maybe” to improve your social life:
*AWAP = As Well As Possible
Now it’s your turn:
Have you said “maybe” lately? Are you challenged by social situations and how to say yes, no or maybe? I’m ready to hear it ALL. Join the conversation in the comments below, share your experience and ask for advice from our community.
Want to watch more videos like this? Check out our AWAP Wednesday video playlist, which has almost seven hours of guidance, advice, and bloopers.
Is there a question I can answer for YOU? Add it to the comments below, or shoot me an email.
Until we meet again: Be AWAP! Smooches!
(Rough) transcript:
Yes? No? Maybe! I think you’ve gotta welcome more “maybe” into your life, and today, I’m gonna tell you why.
Hi! I’m Jenni Prokopy of ChronicBabe.com and today is AWAP Wednesday (that stands for As Well As Possible). Each week, I offer you my favorite tips and techniques to help you craft an incredible life beyond illness. Yes! I know you can.
As a strong woman, I like to be declarative. I like to say YES and NO a lot, and I usually try to avoid maybe, because it feels a little… wishy-washy.
But there’s one area of my life where I’ve learned to embrace the maybe. And that’s when it comes to planning social gatherings with friends and family.
When we’re sick and have unpredictable symptom flare-ups, we may be disinclined to say “yes” to social gatherings, for fear of canceling last minute and dashing everyone’s hopes of hanging out with us. We may be in people-pleasing mode and don’t want to disappoint or anger folks.
But here’s the truth: You are not in charge of other people’s feelings. They are entitled to feel disappointed or sad if you have to cancel—after all, you’re bummed too, right? So you can understand how they feel. Still: It is not your job to make them feel OK about you being sick. They are in charge of their own feelings. Don’t be a people pleaser!
You may not want to say “no” to invitations either—even if you’re not that into the event—because you don’t want to seem antisocial. But saying “yes” just to keep up appearances isn’t doing anyone any favors—especially if you have to cancel on something you weren’t even interested in. Ugh! Double bummer.
Starting TODAY, you’ve gotta start saying “maybe.” If your reality is that your health is somewhat unpredictable, you’ve got to accept that and work with what you’ve got.
The next time someone invites you to an awesome-sounding girls night out, tell them “maybe.” Explain that you are excited about the possibility, and you’ll do your very best to get there, but that you might not make it because of health issues… and if not, that you’ll look forward to the next event.
Keep your explanation brief and upbeat. You’re setting expectations, making sure your friends know you dig their company, but that you also want to be realistic. Saying “maybe” gives you room to clearly assess your interest and ability to attend, on that date—YOU are empowered to make the choice, and you’re not driven by other people’s opinions and feelings—and that rocks.
This way, if you make it—hooray! Everyone’s happy. And if you can’t make it, there’s not a HUGE let-down because of a cancelation. You’re teaching your friends that you’re an enthusiastic pragmatist, and that you try your hardest. I think when you’re honest and vulnerable like this, there’s potential for your relationships to get stronger, even if you miss some of that hang-time.
No matter what, it sucks to miss a cool event or some fun hang-time with your best friends. But it sucks a little less if there’s no “cancelation drama” because you said “maybe.”
Do you agree? Give me a thumbs-up if you’re a fan of “maybe!”
Thanks for watching today! If you’ve got a story about “maybe” or any other experience in attending and canceling events, head over to the blog at ChronicBabe.com to join the conversation—I want to hear what YOU have to say.
If you liked what you saw today, subscribe to our channel—and watch another one of my favorite videos right now. I think you’re gonna like it!
Until we meet again, be AWAP! Smooches!
Jenni, love this! Although I had an experience where I said no confidently and was then rebuked. Maybe it’s a New York thing, because it never really happened to me in Michigan, but what a frustrating experience, which you can read about here: https://www.creakyjoints.org/blog/when-i-say-i-cant-i-cant/
great post, leslie! yea i’m going to guess new yorkers might not be as accommodating (although i had a really pleasant time there the last time i vacationed in NYC!) and i think there will always be people who just can’t handle our needs and requests. but practicing makes it easier to brush off those folks!
An “enthusiastic pragmatist”…as a college teacher recently retired who has worked with words and writing all her life, I love that phrase. Thank you for it. I feel a lot less alone after finding Chronicbabe, and that is tremendous and significant!
yay, thanks toran! i’m so glad you’re here 😀
I loved “enthusiastic pragmatist” also. Jenni – thank you. This is great advice, as always. You make life as a Chronic Babe so much easier to manage and enjoy.
yay! tee you rock! 😀
I almost always say ‘maybe’ these days. ‘If I am well enough on the day I would love to come out, but I can’t promise.’ My friends are awesome and the ones that matter totally get it. The ones that don’t just stop inviting me, but thats fine, because they are not the people I would make a special effort for in any case!
love it, jay. so glad to hear that! hugs!
Great job jenni im going to start doing that.and im a big fan i love your videos
yay, thanks cindy!
Jenni, I love this video! You hit the nail on the head about Maybe. I’m an older chronic babe (68), but I have to say I have still not mastered the art of Maybe. Now I have your great tips to help me. May by 88 I’ll have it down 😉
Also great to seeing you looking and feeling better!
ah thanks ann! yea, i’m slowly getting better again. trying to persevere in spite of roadblocks! hugs!
Call me Maybe – love that song and now it’s in my head 🙂 I’ve slowly learned the maybe thing too. If it’s someone I know, I may say it’s due to my health. I learned some years ago to simplify it even further for things like conferences, workshops etc where I was talking to event planners / registrars or strangers and I would simply say that I wouldn’t know until the last minute. And stop there with no additional info. No one ever blinked.
Last week my husband and I decided to start making some future plans along the same lines – we are going to schedule a visit to see relatives next summer (I haven’t been able to travel for a few years but am slowly improving) because it’ll give us all something to look forward to – with the caveat that we’ll have to play it by ear when the time comes due to my health. They actually loved the idea!
Thanks for the “no people pleasing” reminder. It’s an obvious one in my own life, I’ve worked it a LOT, and I still have to keep at it!!
yasssss veronique!
With fibro I never know how I will feel from day to day….Love the idea of saying maybe…..
It seems others don’t understand how limiting this disease is….accepting this as my reality is hard. Most of things I do are appointments for my parents or myself and I can’t say maybe to those. But anything else..my answer is now Maybe!
I’ve been doing this for some time, and you know what? People are totally cool with “maybe”. Part of it could be that the majority of my social circles at least know that I have diseases that can put me prostrate in bed at any second (or at the least, that I get damn sick, damn fast), and part of it could be my commitment to be authentic and yet maintain healthy boundaries. Working on boundaries has been the project of *years* for me, because I only discovered the concept about 6 years ago! This saying “maybe” instead of a definite yes or no is a great way to maintain your space and your own autonomy but also let people know that you’re not intentionally ditching them and that you would like to be there.
Granted, some people really just don’t understand, no matter what. These people I treat as though they are an irritating third grader and try to keep my peace as I explain in easy terms just enough to get them to understand the concept without going into any detail because they will probably spontaneously combust. Heh.
Anyway, though this has been standard practice for me for years now, I’m really glad to see you writing about this, Jenny, because I know that it’ll hit some people like a rainbow unicorn between the eyes, a total epiphany, and that’s great! The more people that are interacting with “regular” folk in a healthy and strong manner, the better we as a whole do. (The Spoonie Community, that is.)
Good conversation topic.