*AWAP = As Well As Possible
Today’s AWAP Wednesday post is about the haters. You know the ones:
- The friend who gives you side-eye when you start talking about your journaling process and how it helps you cope with the unknown elements of life with chronic illness.
- The co-worker who periodically asks why you get to come in late on Wednesdays, even when he knows you have a standing doctor appointment early Wednesday mornings… and that you always stay late to make up for the time.
- The neighbor who glares when you park in your handicapped spot, most likely because you don’t use an assistive device—even though you’ve explained that you have that spot because of invisible illness. (And: the random dude in the big-box store parking lot who glares or even shouts at you for parking in a handicapped spot.)
- The acquaintance who, at a party, tries to explain to you and everyone in earshot that she read something online that discredits the existence of your chronic illness.
- The stranger who writes you nasty blog post comments because you’re just too darn happy in spite of illness. (Yea, I see you, haters!)
We all have haters in our lives.
Now, they probably don’t actually hate us… but they sure aren’t showing us any love, either.
I have two perspectives for you to consider regarding haters:
1. They’re hatin’ because of their own insecurity, or stress, or history with illness or disability, or something else that’s ALL THEM.
It doesn’t get more complicated than that. If someone knows you even the smallest bit and chooses to hate on you for doing your best even if you’re sick, well, something is wrong with them. They may be under a great deal of stress and it pains them to see you excel; they might have struggled with illness or injury at another time and resent how well you’re handling your own experience. They might have a family member with a similar illness who isn’t being very ChronicBabe-like, and they’re projecting that person’s experience onto you. They may see you and fear that they themselves will become ill, and it scares them.
There are innumerable reasons why someone is a hater. And all those reasons most likely don’t have a thing to do with you—and instead have everything to do with the hater’s experience.
This is where I give a shout-out do Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements. (I consider this book required ChronicBabe reading.) One of the four is this: “Don’t take anything personally.” Easier said than done, I know! But it gets easier with practice.
When you move through life with the knowledge that most people’s actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own hangups, it’s easier to brush off their bad behavior.
Oh yea, it will feel personal, for sure. How can it not, at first glance? Someone is hatin’ on you for being YOU. But take my word for it: It’s almost never personal.
It’s not your job to delve deep into the experience of a hater, but it will benefit you to step back when you can and get a little perspective. Remind yourself that this person doesn’t know you, doesn’t understand you, or can’t hear you—and their own life must have a lot of ugliness in it if they have enough to spare.
The more you practice this, the easier it is to brush off all that hatin’.
2. You don’t have to listen to that crap.
Let’s say you know the hater well, and you know they have had a rough life. They have a family member who is sick and not taking action on ways to get better. Someone kicked their puppy once. Whatever. This knowledge gives you perspective and helps you understand that their hatin’ is not personal. Great! You have some clarity.
But you don’t have to listen to that crap.
Just because you understand someone who is treating you poorly doesn’t give them license to walk all over you. Set some boundaries; don’t let them treat you like that. Change the subject. If you must, walk away. Don’t take their crap.
Let’s say it’s a stranger who’s hatin’ and you don’t know a thing about them, but you’re feeling very compassionate and you recognize that they must have something else going on that’s driving their actions. That’s lovely of you! Great perspective.
But you don’t have to listen to that crap.
Wish that hater a nice day and excuse yourself. Don’t engage them in conversation. If you don’t feel energetic, by all means do not try to teach them why they’re wrong; you need to preserve that vital energy for yourself and the people you adore. Walk away from a hater. Don’t take their crap.
Some activists will argue with me, saying we should educate haters in order to build a stronger community.
There’s some validity to that, for sure. If I didn’t agree, I wouldn’t have kept ChronicBabe.com going for 10 years—and I certainly wouldn’t do so much advocacy work. But just because we’re sick, and just because we choose to strive beyond the limitations of our illnesses, doesn’t mean we owe the world an education.
If you feel strong, and have the mental and physical resources, yes! Be an advocate. Engage in conversation. Write a blog. Wear a t-shirt that invites dialogue.
But don’t you ever feel obligated to do that, babe. Priority numero uno for you is to take the best care of yourself possible, and if that means preserving your energy for fun things and people you love, do it.
Some days you’ll feel strong. Some days you’ll want to hide under the covers. It’s all OK. Don’t give the haters your energy, babe.
Now it’s your turn:
Have you experienced someone hatin’ on your process? Your expression? How have you handled those encounters, what works and what doesn’t? Join the conversation in the comments below, share your experience and ask for advice from our community.
Want more AWAP Wednesday? Check out our AWAP Wednesday video playlist, which has almost seven hours of guidance, advice, and bloopers. (Usually I post a video, but just wasn’t feeling it today.)
Is there a question I can answer for YOU? Add it to the comments below, or shoot me an email.
Until we meet again: Be AWAP! Smooches!
I love this post. It’s so true and such great advice for encountering any haters, in any situation. Applying it directly to my condition is icing on the cake!
hooray, thanks louise! 😀
You do not know how much this post is exactly what I needed today. A very close and old friend recently said all of my illness is Psychosomatic. Now she knows I have been diagnosed with many autoimmune diseases by multiple doctors. I told her how much her words hurt my feeling and how stunned I was that she would say that to me. She has since apologized but I have not spoken to her since and I really do not know how to handle this. My oldest and dearest friend told me it was all in my head. What would you do? What should I say to her?
Cindy, My two cents…
I think it is important that your friend apologized after you expressed how her words felt hurtful and dismissive.
I have encountered situations where people that I feel very close to have made hurtful remarks about my situation and illnesses that have conveyed that they understand very little about what I am going through. I have had to decide whether I wanted to continue to have these people in my life or not.
Perhaps you could take some time to consider what this relationship brings to your life. Do you think your friend is willing to consider that she may not understand what you are going through, but can still provide support to you, without making assumptions and putting labels on what you are experiencing? Is your friend willing to listen and communicate? Are you willing to listen and communicate with her, or are you at the point where you feel that it is too much of a drain on your energy?…Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we learn what to say as we go along… I wish you the best.
great community support here! love it.
oh wow, cindy – that is tough. i’m so sorry. i think that now if some time has passed, maybe you can make a coffee date to catch up and tell her how it made you feel, but that you want to work on the friendship? honesty is important – and it sounds like she feels sorry she said it. if you can get her to explain why she did, and explain how it made you feel, maybe that will help you release old hurt and start fresh with her. that’s what i would do. i would probably feel nervous! but it sounds like it would be worth trying. good luck!
All so true Jenni, and sound advice! I too am keen on advocacy and helping others to be informed, but sometimes just don’t have the energy. It’s good to remind ourselves it’s OK just to rest and care for ourselves when we need to.
yay, i’m so glad it resonated! 😀
Great post Jenni! I was really caught off guard by a hateful comment on my blog’s facebook page a while back. It was a very distant relative who went on to tell me the physical condition of her husband, who is also sick. But in a very nasty way. She ended the comment with, “So you aren’t the only one who’s sick, Kim.”
Well, I know that! I know I’m not the only sick one! That’s why I blog. We all need to feel a sense of community at times and have a safe place where we can go (like your awesome blog) for encouragement and freedom to vent.
I feel awful that her husband is ill. I truly do. The fact that I don’t have a relationship with them has NOTHING to do with his illness. It’s all separate family drama crap.
I’m not sure I handled it the best. I removed the comment and blocked her from being able to comment on my facebook again and wrote a post about it (just saying I know I’m not the only one and I wanted everyone to know they aren’t alone either!) Maybe it would have been better to take a deep breath and respond in a gentle way. But history tells me that wouldn’t have done any good anyway and deleting and blocking was easier!
Thank you for all you do for our “babe” community! You put our thoughts into words and give us permission to be chronically awesome! You rock!
I too had a nasty comment on a blog post last year. It’s a friend I made through the blogosphere, reading her blog and commenting and vice versa. I was working through how I felt that my marriage wasn’t doing so great, etc., and she posted something about how my husband lets me know he loves me and he’s faithful and not going anywhere, so how dare I complain when women all over would give their left foot for that, etc. She wondered if cheerfulness was part of my personality, if I thought about other things besides being sick, and “encouraged” me to focus on the positives and stop complaining. At the time it was very hurtful and confusing, and I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. I showed it and the post to a good friend I was traveling with, and the conversation with another person with a chronic illness perspective (and a terrible marriage behind her to boot) helped to calm me down and give me back confidence in my own thoughts. I just left the comment alone, didn’t respond, didn’t acknowledge it ever… and that was the right way for me to handle it. I forgot about it fairly soon, though my friend responded with an anonymous comment that really encouraged and validated me and my experience, which I appreciated.
I recently was going through old posts and read it again (it was an isolated incident), and I’m in such a different place now that I can laugh at the comment as being *completely* absurd! I have NO idea how she drew the conclusions that she did from what I wrote, but it was VERY clear that she was dealing with Point Number 1– some crap of her own was blinding and biasing her. Don’t know what it is, but from the tone and wording of the comment I would imagine that it was related to her own marriage tensions and the state (or absence of) their relationship. I can see that now, with time and distance, and while I was afraid that it would still hurt when I began to read it again, I found that it doesn’t bother me at all now. I’ve grown so far past that particular bout of insecurity. Sounds like you did absolutely the right thing for you, and with crazy family drama like that I’d most likely have done exactly the same thing.
well, hindsight is 20/20 right? i’m sure you handled it the best you could at the time… and i’m sure you learned how you might handle comments like that in the future. it’s too bad she had such an attitude! i’m glad you did the best you could. 😀 hugs!
Thanks for this. You’re spot on with your observations and analysis as usual. I’m struggling a little with the idea of reasons vs. excuses. I generally try not to use my condition(s) as reasons because it can sound like excuses. Better to just do what you have to do and let people deal, right?
But also, my conditions inform who I am in subtler ways than simply “I feel rotten so I can’t come to your party.” I tend to do much less than I used to socially, and it’s not always because something hurts too much. It’s just the new, less socially active, me, operating AWAP within my limitations.
However, I struggle with the effect this has on friendship. If you can’t use “I don’t feel well” as a reason for not showing up, people start to think you’re just a bad friend. And to some degree, I”m willing to let people who think I am (and their parties) fall by the wayside. But I don’t like the idea that I’m leaving hurt feelings in my wake. (And haters hatin’.)
Just some thoughts I wanted to share.
Yeah, I feel ya on not wanting to leave a wake of hurt or negativity behind me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that people are responsible for their own feelings. I think that’s kind of the point of this post as a whole, in fact. I am who I am and that’s it. Who I am has been changed and, as you said, subtly informed by my illnesses; aspects of myself have, anyway. Life is change, and I will change through the years, illnesses or no. Relationships also change. To stay the same is to grow stagnant and die, as we learn from the trees. Grow or die. Anyway, the summary of my thoughts is that yes, I’m a bit different now, and those that are hurt or be hatin’ by how I interact with the world and the people around me are people that I do not have the energy to bring into my sphere of influence. I have enough to worry about without having to soothe hurt feelings and deflect attacks veiled or blatant. My social circle certainly has shrunk, but I see it as refined. My relationships have been refined, purified, and the ones left are the no-drama folk that are willing to put forth an effort to maintain a relationship with me. They realize that they have to put forth more intentional effort than they did before, but they consider it worth it.
So hurt feelings in my wake? I make it a point to be pleasant and respectful to everyone, simply because they are fellow human beings. If they have their feelings hurt by that, that’s their deal and not mine. (And seriously, if they are THAT touchy, I sure as hell do not want to interact with them on a regular basis!!)
well said!
i have faced this, too. sometimes it gets old to tell people “i can’t come because i don’t feel well.” with some friendships, i’ve pulled people aside (on the phone, on email, in person) and said something like “i’m sorry if it feels like i’m bailing all the time. i don’t want to – and i’m trying here – but i feel so exhausted all the time lately. it’s not personal. i’m hoping to keep getting better and then we’ll get to hang out more, but in the meantime, maybe we can have a phone chat soon and really catch up?” a few conversations like that have saved some friendships. sometimes our friends just take it personally, and whether we think they should or not, that’s the deal. but if we can meet them halfway we can often keep the bond strong. hugs!
Good point! That’s tending to friendships in a positive way, and really opening up communication, which is rarely a bad thing. Miscommunication is the death of so many friendships… when one person takes something personally and we totally didn’t mean it that way…
Great post! I think in some ways this is societal, that whole “buck up” & ” snap out of it” mentality that seems to permeate our culture. I get that most people feel that they don’t have it easy, so it causes some bitterness. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s on them, their feelings are not my problem. And I get what Kim was saying about that nasty comment about her “not being the only one that’s sick”. Well sure duh. People like to throw around platitudes to somehow shaming us into “bucking up”. I’ve heard so many versions of “so many people have it worse off than you”. Yep. Assuredly, they do and I have great compassion and empathy for those folks; however, only I have to live as myself. No one else has to deal with the particular trials and tribulations that are uniquely mine. So if people don’t have compassion and empathy for me, I move on. I have so little energy for even the good stuff that I’ve learned to not waste energy on the bad stuff. You don’t get me, you don’t want to take the time to try to get me, then move on as I’ve got no time for you either. Ships in the night. Not to say that my ship doesn’t have a big cannon mounted on deck…. Rub me just the wrong way & I may very well take the time & energy to fire a warning shot, just to encourage someone to move along. Persist & I will make you wish you’d never met me. If anything, my illnesses have finely honed my meanness bone, but I’ve learned to only pull it out for extra special occasions. Hopefully, one day, I will reach a point where I have also honed my love for mankind and can advocate and educate, but it’s a work in progress and I’m certainly not there yet 😉
Wow I totally love your post! I am the exact same way and both my mum and I who suffer from invisible illnesses have changed in that we have become less tolerant of other people and less likly to let people walk all over us. I now in special occasions like you will give a ‘warning shot’ where as before I got sick I wouldn’t say boo to a goose! I was so quiet and shy and wouldn’t ever stand up for myself where as now if you cross me on a bad day and you have upset me then they will get some sort of reaction from me. I think chronic and invisible illnesses changes you. Thanks for your post jenni and thanks for your post too. I have a lot of haters in my life one of which is my partners mum but I also have a a few amazing friends who will do anything for me and I see two of them every week at least once. They are awesome and I am so lucky to have them. A lot of my other friends have fallen away as they can’t cope which is fine, I was so upset at first but now I don’t waste any ifmy energy feeling sorry for myself for losing friends or for trying to make everyone else happy who won’t do the same for me. Thanks again chronic babes your awesome!
Natalie xxx
That’s one thing about serious illness… it definitely increases your skill with boundaries! It’s a very healthy trait to have. No boundaries or faulty boundaries = dysfunction and stress. I’m glad you’ve found your voice. 🙂
nice support for your community there, babe. 😀
love your attitude, natalie! so glad you can stick up for yourself and that you have such great support.
i love that you’ve got a balance – sometimes you whip out the kickass babe, and sometimes you play it cool. excellent. 😀
I hope you feel better Jenny. Great read. Thank you.
thanks peggy! hugs!
I agree that this really hit the mark about dealing with obnoxious people, and we all need a pep talk like this from time to time
I ended up quitting a job because of the snide comments, and over hearing ( they wanted me to) other female employees saying that I was a little ‘princess’ and never did any work ( I actually worked harder than they did, to prove myself)
I have also lost friends who DID take it personally that I couldn’t make an event with them. It’s hard to not take nasty behavior personally, but I know that you must have that mindset. I remember a girl telling me how awful I looked and asking me why I ‘looked upset’ – and I asked her why she would even think such a thing (she just froze!)
I’m afraid that I have may have gotten too outspoken about it as I have gotten older- but whipping that handicapped parking hanger out when the lady fussed at me out for parking in a handicapped spot DID feel so good! Her face turned very red.
ha! sometimes you’ve got to just throw it in someone’s face, agreed. i’m sorry you’ve had to change jobs and lost friends. i feel ya. big hugs!
Jenni, thanks for acknowledging the haters! Sometimes I think it’s hard to remember that the problem really isn’t us (or at least not always or completely…!).
Sher, I completely empathize with your experiences! I have been lucky to mostly have managers who are understanding and willing to work with me around my condition, because THEY know I will get my work done (as a salaried person, it may mean I work extra time at night or over a weekend to keep up, but that’s my time and I’ll deal with it). Unfortunately, it’s the whining peanut gallery making life miserable for the poor manager that has cost me a few jobs.
I don’t like playing the disability card, but now (after having it beat into me, I guess), I would say it’s a good idea to discuss any ADA-protected condition and accommodations when STARTING a new job – that will cover both your and the manager’s behind later when people can’t just mind their own business and need something to complain about.
I’ve missed two weddings (unforgivable) of once-close friends because of my condition. I’m lazy, selfish, don’t care about our friendship enough…etc.
I’m guessing this is true for most people here, but if/when someone in the public realm comments or complains…have you actually done anything, truly, to hurt them or compromise their experience (at a restaurant, store, theater, etc.)? (Like when you used the handicap space?) I try to think of it that way as much as possible. I would be upset if I did do something unkind or inconsiderate, but most of the time, I realize it’s THEIR problem and I have enough to deal with already without beating myself up on top if it. “Shake it off!”
I will say though, that my experiences with this condition have if anything, made me a more patient and kind person, for sure. I know painfully well now that you cannot make assumptions about people and pass judgement based on what you might loosely observe. We have no idea what others are experiencing unless we know them well enough that they directly share it with us and/or we are close enough to them to have a real idea of what is going on.
Good luck and I hope you are as well as you can be!
Having received hate for not wanting to educate every hater I love this part.
“Some activists will argue with me, saying we should educate haters in order to build a stronger community.
There’s some validity to that, for sure. If I didn’t agree, I wouldn’t have kept ChronicBabe.com going for 10 years—and I certainly wouldn’t do so much advocacy work. But just because we’re sick, and just because we choose to strive beyond the limitations of our illnesses, doesn’t mean we owe the world an education.”
I think there is a real pressure on those of us who advocate for a particular illness or for patients in general to always be ‘on’. People forget we are human and don’t actually need another job on top of trying to live life with chronic illness. I am happy to educate most of the time, but sometimes I just want to turn around and say “You’re being a dick. Stop being a dick.” and leave it at that. A person doesn’t necessarily need to understand the ins and outs of your life to have a bit of compassion and decency. That should be a basic human trait, not something that I am expected to educate about 24/7. It can get really tiring sometimes. And we really need to look after ourselves as a priority (something I still struggle with) if we want to keep on advocating.
Love your work as always. 🙂
“You’re being a dick. Stop being a dick.” Michelle, I am totally stealing this line. Sometimes it is what NEEDS to be said!
yesssssssssssss
oh, bless you. i love your support. biggest hugs!
It is simply impossible to explain why we can do something one day and yet the next we may not be able to get out of bed. Personally I have lots of support from my fibro sisters and what others want to believe about me is their issue. I know no one can truly understand unless they actually deal with pain day after day after day. I would LOVE it if others would take the time to understand but those that would even try are few and far between in this hurried self centered society.
it’s like some really get it, and some people slow down and slowly get it… and then i try to bypass the rest of them, because they’re not worth my time. but yea, some people just take longer to GET IT. 🙂
Hi Jenny
I’m SO loving this strand 🙂
The difficulty is that some days you can put the haters straight ( complete with tough-love hugs/hand gestures as needed), and other times you feel as if you are made of tissue paper and the last thing you need is a confrontation.
Thank God for the Lovers- those great folk on our personal cheerleading team who just ‘get’ who we are and LISTEN when we explain what the heck is going on with our health.,,,and would celebrate it if we were well, but love us anyhow. 🙂
agreed: thank God for the lovers. we’re best when we focus on them. hugs hugs!
Someone kicked MY puppy once. Do you think that’s why I got sick?! (Just kidding. Never had a puppy. Or a pony.) I had my first experience with a semi-hater recently. The chick cutting my hair had done it last time as well, and we got on swimmingly the first time. This time, it’s at the end of my various errands and I’m *exhausted*, so the conversation is much less exuberant than before. In the middle of the cut she asks me what I’m doing with the rest of my day. I tell her that I’m going home and collapsing, probably going to sleep (since I spend about 16-18 hours/day asleep these days), and she responds, “Oh, you’re so LUCKY! I wish *I* could go home and nap in the middle of the day!” I was taken aback, moreso because she had mentioned earlier suffering from migraines and sciatica, though she brushed it off with an, “Nah, it’s not bad.” I thought maybe she was just being brave, you know? But apparently she really just did not get it.
I responded, somewhat incredulous, “Um, no, it’s not lucky… it’s severe disability.” (I mean, I’m walking in leaning on a rollator walker for crying out loud!) She immediately accosted me with a gently remonstrative positivity. “No, you have to look on the bright side! I mean, at least you get to nap, right? You gotta look on the bright side.” I’m thinking, I don’t GOTTA do anything, lady. I’m flaring, I’m exhausted, who do you think you are?! I mumbled something about how it would be nice, yes, if I could nap because I *wanted* to, and not because my body forces me to by literally passing out. The conversation was considerably less after that little debacle. Fortunately, she was done soon after, but I was still completely flabbergasted through the rest of the day on into the evening. Everyone I recounted the experience for was grimly amused at how completely clueless she was, but it was somewhat more than amusing for me. I actually felt ANGRY, like I had been totally invalidated and even kinda patronized. She also informed me that I needed to get on the ball and decorate this new walker I’ve had for a few months. I told her that it was on the agenda… when I could scrounge up some energy, but it’s bright flaming red anyway, so… eh. Again, she “encouraged” me to work on it. My thought process was definitely less than charitable.
I know she wasn’t a hater in the sense that she was attacking and devaluing me in a negative or spiteful manner, but it was as effective an attack as any I’ve endured. I think it was worse for all that it was cheerful and hidden behind the guise of friendly, encouraging advice. Sometimes shit like that is subtle, you know? And while I would have, at the beginning of this journey, thought that I was being oversensitive, I’m far enough along that I know my feelings of outrage and offense are justified. I’m proud of how I handled myself, though. I didn’t respond in kind, I just mentally dropped my jaw and kept it to myself… and a few trusted friends who totally validated me. Heh. But as you said, I didn’t have the energy to “educate” anyone, and I suspect it wouldn’t have done any good anyway, from the way my gentle protests were received.
oh wow, yes – that was a nice person who was doing some hatin’. i mean, her intentions were good, but she does not have the best people skills. sorry you had to deal with that! it’s good that you kept your most intense reactions inside, especially since she was holding scissors next to your head 😉
Bahahahaha! Yes, well, good point. I didn’t even think of that. Can you imagine the awful revenge haircut she could’ve given me?!
Taylor Swift has said it best: “Haters Gonna Hate.” I just disengage. I never give them the time of day. And I do it smiling. I’ve been sick for 36 years. No one can tell how my body is feeling or judge it except me. Walk away from the haters and be strong is my advice. Lick your wounds in private or with loved ones, then move on.
Joanna Charnas, Author, Living Well with Chronic Illness
i love any guidance that includes taylor swift! 😀
Hi. I just discovered this site and think the support shown between you all is beyond awesome. Good to see it.
every single day i leave the house… nearly… randomn strangers in town curious beyond manners, clearly.., of why someone young uses a chair.. you brush it off and say your ill and they ferret on and on wanting specifics..ask about if you work..have a husband..or even if i own my own home, all in the matter of a few minutes not even knowing my name..i stare right at them at this point and say..i have to go sorry i have to get going..some ask outright where my money is from.
.i get exhausted though and can’t always face it without an aftermath of annoyance. every friendly person i get excited to meet in my new town unveils an immediate agenda and motivation behind them talking to me..that makes me sad. i have dogs and sometimes thats an excuse to start interrogsting me. im a friendly girl and give it the benefit of the doubt but id say over 60 percent to 70 reveal their true reasons after a few minutes or less. or taps on the shoulder..bless you..out and about..why yes i do leave the house occasionally.. wish i could make them realise how awful that is for us
i really want to make friends in this town not just be the subject of social status gossip. x